Tag: Guest Blogger Jenny Heitz

Guest Blogger Jenny: Imperfect Mommy. She’s At Private Schools, She’s Everywhere!

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Imperfect Mommy
After writing that “Perfect Mommy” piece that got the Holistic Mommy Network in an uproar, Christina and I noticed something: an uptick in the past year or so of the “Bad Mommy” blog genre. You know, the opposite of Perfect Mommy, in which Bad Mommy secretly (or not so secretly) wants martinis, cigarettes, pot and sex (usually not with her partner). Billed as being “honest,” these blogs end up almost as competitive and crazy making as their “Perfect” counterparts. If you’re like us, you’ve probably spent time clicking on sites like: Her Bad Mother, Mommy Wants Vodka Perfectly Disheveled, Vodka Mom  and many more. And still, the mommies in the middle learn nothing and continue to shriek and finger point. We may digress slightly with this topic…we find it amusing. But, rest assured, private elementary schools in LA have plenty of Imperfect Mommies (and mommies in the middle too!).

At first, I thought I’d write a parody of one these Bad Mommy blogs, a sort of Bad Mommy to end all Bad Mommies. But here’s the problem: it doesn’t work. The real blog entries are usually pretty out there already, so to write a parody, the mommy has to be really bad. Like, call Protective Child Services bad. In my unpublishable attempt at parody, my “bad mommy” caricature got drunk three times, forgot her kids’ names, lost her kids on her own block, exposed them to second hand smoke, locked them in their rooms, and slept with the handyman. Yes, that’s some bad behavior. It’s also not funny. I was ready to call the authorities on her by the end.

I think it’s very easy to make fun of the perfect mommy idea, simply because it’s unattainable. Most of us lack the funds, the patience, or the time to devote to the demands of perfect motherhood. Most of it is so ridiculous, in fact, that it’s easy to attack. Who doesn’t want to go off on some self righteous celebrity using her perfect motherhood to get publicity? It’s just a lightning rod for criticism.

But the Bad Mommy phenomena hits far closer to home. Many of us came to motherhood relatively late, and had time to live freely, have careers, went to dinner whenever we wanted. We were independent and sassy and a little bit selfish. All of these things are, I think, an improvement in the lives of women. But all of these things make the myopia of motherhood harder to take. Thus, the Bad Mommy blog is born.

“Quit your whining,” I hear critics say. “You chose to have children, and this is now your life.” It’s true that men in particular loathe the Bad Mommy genre, possibly because it makes them wonder if their mothers might have secretly felt the same way; it makes them squirm in some fundamentally Oedipal way. And there are plenty of us out there who secretly read Bad Mommy blogs because it’s a comfort to know that someone out there is way, way worse than us. But none of this is particularly productive; it just pits women against one another and makes us seem whiny and silly to the other 49% of the population.

These blogs all tend to focus on actions, whether it’s making your own granola or sneaking a smoke in the backyard. The thing is, the actions involved in parenting, if you really boil them down, are not complicated. The kid needs to be fed, and feeding her just involves food (breast milk or formula, homemade baby food or store bought, is fairly irrelevant; to the baby, food is food). The kid needs to sleep, whether it’s with you in bed or solo in a crib. The baby needs to be held, by someone. We make it complicated, but it’s not.

What are immensely complex are our feelings about parenting. All our expectations, all our dreams, all our frustrations and disappointments get tied up in the act of parenting. This isn’t really about the kids, it’s about us, and how we were raised, and how, even after years of working and competence, being parents brings up immense feelings of inadequacy. And inadequacy tends to lead to overcompensation, either through becoming a bossy, show off, Perfect Mommy, or a rebellious, sulky Bad Mommy.

Add an entire industry of self-help books and tv shows and contradictory advice, and you have a perfect mechanism to feed this inadequacy. After all, if mothers feel inadequate all the time, they’re far more likely to buy into the latest food trends, or invest thousands of dollars in unnecessary baby-proofing, or attend parenting classes touting dubious techniques. There appears to be very little in the way of trusting your instincts, looking at what you personally can tolerate as a parent, and then carrying out those plans without guilt or self-consciousness.

We are a very fearful, insecure, needy generation. We say we want the best for our children, but are unable to articulate what “best” even means. We think that by raising our children differently from how we were raised, our children will be happier, but really we’re only trying to please ourselves. And, in the end, we drown in our own self-absorption and needs, which masquerades as parenting. Perhaps it’s time to take a solid look at our own unfulfilled childhood needs, the complexity of what it feels like to be a parent when we still feel like children inside, and set the actual parenting scenario aside. In the end, we need to have some compassion for one another, rather than one-upping each other in terms of parenting actions.
Jenny Heitz has worked as a staff writer for Coast Weekly in Carmel, freelanced in the South Bay, and then switched to advertising copywriting. Her daughter started 4th grade at Mirman School this year. She previously attended 3rd St. Elementary School. Jenny has been published recently in the Daily News. She now writes about gift ideas and products on her blog, Find A Toad. 


Guest Blogger Jenny: Interviews and Student Visits: A Wealth of Opportunities to Make a Bad Impression

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It Rained On Anna’s Visiting Day At Mirman

I don’t need to tell you that private school interview and student visit season is upon us. If you’re reading this blog, you’re either about to go through it, have started to go through it, or went through it already and are grateful to have it over with.

Between the interviews and your child’s visiting day or morning, there are countless ways you and yours could mess it up. These are tense, fidgety times, bringing to the forefront all your anxieties and insecurities. And your kid can sense it, too. He or she is being questioned and tested and judged, and every kid recognizes it.

But, does all this self-scrutiny really do you any good? I’m not sure, since, in my experience, the writing is often on the wall from moment one of the interview. For two years running, my ex and I tried to get Anna into St. James. Our reasons were mostly practical: she was at Third St., she’d have to switch before 6th grade to a private school, and St. James was close, good, and convenient. I know many families there, and one of my best friends put in a glowing recommendation. Yet, during both interviews, I felt that it was a perfunctory exercise. There was no enthusiasm reserved for us or Anna. We felt like numbers. And when she was denied acceptance twice, I really wasn’t surprised.

Then there was John Thomas Dye. We really liked the school. Anna loved the school, idyllic country club that it is. The Admissions Director said outright that she really liked Anna, and told us up front that she would be a shoe in for Archer (not JTD) for 6th grade. This was polite code for “we have no room for her, and it was nice meeting you.”  While I have previously mentioned our being a divorced family as perhaps being part of the reason why Anna might have been a less desirable prospect, I have no way of proving such a claim. All I know is that it was a done deal from before we ever walked through the door for the interview. She was waitlisted, and we decided after review that entrance wasn’t a possibility.

There was actually less chance of actively blowing it during the Mirman interview, mostly because the parents are only interviewed with the child present. Thus, it was up to Anna to make a good impression. Since she’s a pretty friendly, articulate child, it was easy for her to be charming and answer the AD’s questions in an engaging fashion. That part went really well.

What didn’t go as well was the morning Anna spent at Mirman. Anna’s father dropped her off at 8:00, and by all reports the visit itself went well. Anna took a test and then spent time with a Room 3 class. I was the designated pick up parent. It was a severely stormy day. I mean, like sheets of rain and major gusts of wind. Streets were flooding. I’d only been up Mirman a couple of times at that point, and had only driven there once. The school is up Mulholland on the west side of the 405 freeway. I took Sunset to Sepulveda and headed up, managed to miss the turnoff at the Skirball Center to go over the 405, and ended up driving over the hill and into the Valley.

There was patchy cell service (iPhone, of course), and I kept trying to call the school, since it was clear I was going to be late. I could just picture Anna, abandoned in the front office, wilted and forgotten, with the staff thinking, “Bad Mommy. She’s a terrible flake who will not be an asset to the school.” I would ruin her chances of getting into private school, just because I didn’t own a GPS and was an idiot.

I managed to call the school, sounding just as harassed and moronic as I was feeling. Mulholland literally looked like it was washing away as I drove up it. I found my way, finally, to the gates, parking in the wrong place and dashing through torrential rain. Anna looked relieved. I was overly apologetic. And the staff simply waved us out of there, probably thinking: “Sometimes dumb parents have smart kids.”

I worried about this bad impression. When Anna was wait-listed, I wasn’t surprised. What did surprise me is when she actually got into Mirman, despite my navigational challenges. She was off the wait-list and in from a fortuitous call in late June.

Since dealing with the school, I now know that it didn’t care what I did. The school really only looks at the kid. It’s one place where they really don’t care who your parents are. All that self-consciousness and scrutiny made no difference in the end, although it definitely raised my blood pressure.

My advice? Relax and do try to be yourselves. There are so many factors beyond your control. There’s no point in freaking out and second guessing yourself, or making your kid crazy. Trust your instincts. These schools will send you signals if you choose to recognize them. And the only way to recognize them is to get out of your own head and pay attention.
Jenny Heitz has worked as a staff writer for Coast Weekly in Carmel, freelanced in the South Bay, and then switched to advertising copywriting. Her daughter started 4th grade at Mirman School this year. She previously attended 3rd St. Elementary School. Jenny has been published recently in the Daily News. She now writes about gift ideas and products on her blog, Find A Toad.


Guest Blogger Jenny: Happy Holidaze & The Big Holiday School Program

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Happy Holidaze

Now that the holidays are behind us, I can afford a bit of introspection regarding them, particularly where school is concerned. Take, for instance, the holiday school program. The holiday school program is practically an American institution, and certainly a tradition I’m loathe to disparage. But then again, the silliness the holiday program has morphed into deserves at least some scrutiny.

My daughter goes to The Mirman School, a school that isn’t known for flash or grandiosity. This is a school more likely to nurture the next Oliver Sacks than the next Katy Perry. While performance is definitely an aspect of the Mirman curriculum, it’s not a major emphasis; it’s not a performing arts school.

So imagine my surprise upon attending my first Mirman holiday program. Held not in the school’s spacious auditorium, but in the enormous Presbyterian church across the road (not a bad seat in the house, and that includes the restrooms), this was a full scale production. The classes wore color coded t-shirts (the theme was The Colors of Winter). There was a band (the bass player stunk). There was fairly elaborate staging and a tremendous amount of organization. It was impressive, in a grand way. It also seemed unlike anything else I’d seen come out of the school.

In contrast to this hoopla was the general blandness of the program itself. This isn’t necessarily the school’s fault. In an attempt to please everyone, and please them in a way that is almost entirely secular, the life has been bled out of the “holiday” program. Watching the Mirman program, I noticed no references directly to any religious Christmas significance. Chanukah was mentioned, along with temples and Judaism (there’s really no way to secularize the Jewish holidays fully). Kwanza got a song (a really bad song that seemed, well, unfortunate). And winter was mentioned, repeatedly, for its colors (pretty much the same in LA year round, although perhaps the air’s less yellow in December), its climate (the day of the program it was raining, so that was at least a change from 74 and sunny), and its activities (totally irrelevant to our climate and culture).

So here it was, this hugely produced show, the product of months of work, falling fairly limp. Certainly it was good for the kids to perform, and perform well. But it so missed the boat in terms of being anything meaningful.

Lest you say that I just need to send my kid to a more religious, less secular school if I so miss the spirit of Christmas, I have another example to prove you wrong. I have friends who send their children to an Episcopal school that has an enormous Christmas pageant every year, in a church, with nothing but big holiday significance. Yet, this program doesn’t deliver, either. One friend said she just gets her daughter ready and basically hangs out in an adjacent room, watching the event on closed circuit tv (“I can never really see her,” my friend admitted). Another couple drops their son off and then heads to a bar across the street for a couple of cocktails. So, there’s spirits involved here, but they don’t have anything to do with yuletide festivities.

One of the things that struck me so hard regarding these elaborate holiday festivities is how much they are about pleasing the adults. After all, the much beloved (and truly wonderful) music teacher at Mirman needs an outlet for his talents, the school feels the need to show just where your money is going, and the parents want to see results. But what about the kids?  Of course there’s benefit to learning to operate in a group, sing on command, and follow detailed instructions. But at private school, kids do these things, in one form or another, all day long. I’m not sure making them practice for hours, wear reindeer antlers and sing totally secular songs is exactly a value added.

Then again, I’m not the kind of parent eager to document every moment of my child’s life with pictures, video, and awestruck wonder. I live with the kid. I know she’s wonderful already. The school uses the professionally shot videos of the production as a fundraiser, practically forcing parents to purchase the DVDs of these “special moments.” The thing is, with all due respect to my child and her performing prowess, I’d rather not buy the DVD and donate some extra cash directly to the school instead.

Is the story the same at other schools across LA? I’m not sure. Maybe school productions are just inherently unsatisfying on some level; you’re there, mostly, to see your child, not to be massively entertained. Yet, can’t they do both? Couldn’t kids sing songs about the religious significance of Christmas, and the religious significance of Chanukah? Do we have to listen to “The Reindeer Rap” and pretend it’s a Christmas song? There must be a compromise in there, somewhere, that’s both politically neutral (being correct might be a lost cause) and, in the end, entertaining.

Or maybe I’m just being a Scrooge.
Jenny Heitz has worked as a staff writer for Coast Weekly in Carmel, freelanced in the South Bay, and then switched to advertising copywriting. Her daughter started 4th grade at Mirman School this year. She previously attended 3rd St. Elementary School. Jenny has been published recently in the Daily News. She now writes about gift ideas and products on her blog, Find A Toad.

Guest Blogger Jenny: Parent Interviews, P/T Conferences And The Big "D" (Divorce)

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Kids, Divorce, And The Things Private Schools Notice


Recently, my daughter Anna (who is in her first year, 4th grade, at The Mirman School) had her first private school parent teacher conference. It was quite different from the previous public school parent/teacher conferences in the past (she previously went to 3rd St. Elementary), partially because this is the first year that her entire immediate family showed up.

By entire immediate family, I mean Anna’s father, Anna’s stepfather, and myself. We have never done this before, all of us at a conference, but it seemed time. Anna’s teacher didn’t skip a beat, referring to us as “Anna’s family” rather than parents. But perhaps the most gratifying thing to happen during the conference (besides discovering that Anna is doing very well), is that the teacher complimented us, saying “I don’t know what you all did, but Anna is the most well-adjusted child of a divorced family I’ve seen.”

I don’t believe the teacher was blowing smoke; she had nothing really to gain by saying such a thing. Still, I was filled with such a sense of relief and surprise. Not just because she was telling me my child was great, but because she felt comfortable enough to mention the “D” word at all. Many people will not. It’s sort of like cancer: people know divorce isn’t contagious, but they still avoid it when at all possible.

Perhaps, however, this is typical for Mirman. I don’t remember our family’s divorced status even being mentioned during our admissions interview (partially because we were never interviewed alone, but always with Anna). Mirman is incredibly child focused, so the intact or divorced status of the family is only relevant to them in terms of our child and her behavior. Compare that to our admissions interview at John Thomas Dye, where our status seemed front and center. There was a mention of acrimonious divorced families and separate parent interviews (we obviously get along; this commentary seemed unnecessary). I felt like we had to go out of our way to look like an intact family, even though we’re not.

Anna’s father and I split up when Anna was four.  Although that seems like a young age, it was old enough, and Anna was verbal enough, for her to have a violent and eloquent reaction. It was hard on everyone, but hardest on the poor kid who never asked for any of this. Her world exploded through no fault of her own, and she had plenty to say about it. Luckily, most of her ire was directed at me, not at teachers or acting out at school. It was rough.

It’s been five years since the divorce, and things have become very routine. As I was the first of my friends and acquaintances to go through this unfortunate process, I got very little useful advice (and forget those therapists and so-called experts, since many of them just contradict one another anyway). 

So, when Anna’s teacher paid us this unexpected compliment, I thought back: how did we handle our divorce situation?

1. We did not fight about custody. An arrangement was set up immediately so that Anna’s schedule and life would become as predictable as possible.
2. We tried not to diss each other in front of her. A no brainer.
3. We set up two complete households. She has a room at each, stuff at each, and feels at home at each. We also kept the households within easy driving distance of each other, so that the back and forth is very easy.
4. I accepted the fact that Anna will always want the family intact. Children long for the idea of a complete family. My parents divorced when I was 21, and I still fall into reveries about them being together. It’s normal, and I wouldn’t even try to convince her that it’s really “better this way.” She wouldn’t buy that, and there’s no reason why she should. 
5. When I introduced Anna to her stepfather, I was sure the relationship was going to stick. And it has. I didn’t want Anna to get attached to someone, only to have us break up. She’s had enough upheaval. Now, she’s close with her stepfather and enjoys the step family situation (but we were patient; she did her share of acting out). 
6. We try not to vary the schedule. Anna has a right to know what’s going on and where she’s going to spend time. Last minute changes are reserved for emergencies.

To put it bluntly, we did all these things, Anna is good, but divorce still pretty much sucks. The Huffington Post can give Divorce its own blogging and news section (questionable taste, that), but that doesn’t mean it’s anything to take lightly. 

I will say that Anna’s teacher’s masterful handling of our family fills me with gratitude. Her inclusiveness, her perceptiveness on the part of my child, and her willingness to address the divorced elephant in the room was such a welcome relief.  I’m very happy to have Anna at a school that recognizes her situation, doesn’t judge it, and lets her shine. 
Jenny Heitz has worked as a staff writer for Coast Weekly in Carmel, freelanced in the South Bay, and then switched to advertising copywriting. Her daughter started 4th grade at Mirman School this year. She previously attended 3rd St. Elementary School. Jenny has been published recently in the Daily News. She now writes about gift ideas and products on her blog, Find A Toad. 


Guest Blogger Jenna: Buckley School Mom Weighs In On “Perfect Mommy Syndrome" In LA Private Elementary Schools

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Guest Blogger: Jenna

I’m the mom of an athletic 8-year old boy who attends The Buckley School in Sherman Oaks. Our school is one that some parents may consider to be little more than an expensive, swanky, elite private school. It has a reputation as a school filled with wealthy, untouchable “perfect moms”.  It definitely has those moms. But it also has moms who are warm, wonderful, down-to-earth and funny. I’m very involved in my son’s school. This year, I’m excited to serve as chair of the Buckley Fair. I’m working with a great group of parents on this big event (the Fair is in May and open to the families in the community). I can honestly say that no matter what school your child attends (or ends up at), you will find every type of mom there. We love Buckley! However, I steer clear of the moms I find to be too judgmental, too difficult to volunteer with or those who only speak to their “BFFs”.

It’s you who must make your way at the private elementary school you choose. Each of us has a unique personality, some more driven by insecurities than others. For example, those moms who live vicariously through their children’s experiences. The great thing is that we each have the opportunity to express our individuality. I wonder if, as private school moms, we lose sight of that. Have we become clones of each other? Same clothes, hair, car, jewelry? What then is it we are truly calling our own?
As parents, we are our children’s first and best role models. There is no such thing as a “perfect mommy”. Striving for perfection sends the wrong message to our kids. It’s not an attainable goal for us, or them. The closest we can come to perfection is meeting our own expectations. That is what really matters. We can’t get stuck on someone else’s version of what perfection is—or should be—for us, or our kids.
Women have an amazing ability to bring out the best in each other. But, sometimes we are sadly the ones who viciously attack each other. At private schools, volunteer projects can turn into ugly, bitter squabbles. But why? At what point do we begin to accept each other for who we are, similarities or differences? At what point do we rise up and become real women? Women of compassion, acceptance, guidance, forgiveness and gratitude are the women we should look to for inspiration. These are the women and moms who don’t pass judgment on each other. Instead, they nurture, guide and teach us the mysteries of life. I hope we are all lucky enough to know at least one of these amazing moms.  If we are too busy worrying about everyone else, we will be too checked-out to hear these messages. What will our kids hear and absorb?
I was intrigued by the guest blogger Jenny Heitz’ piece on “Perfect Mommy Syndrome At LA Private Elementary Schools” and actress Mayim Bialik’s response. Christina’s response with her own very personal story got me thinking about my son’s delivery and the pressure on moms to be perfect. My birth story couldn’t be further from Mayim’s or Supermodel Gisele’s. After laboring at home for 30 hours, with no forward progression, I decided it was time to head for the hospital. Once there, I had to be induced and the contractions began at an intense rate. I am not ashamed to tell you that I asked for pain relief from the most painful thing my body has ever endured. After 40 hours of labor, I delivered a healthy baby boy. It wasn’t easy and it certainly wasn’t painless. In some ways, I feel a bit betrayed by my fellow moms who never told me how difficult and painful labor could be.
I didn’t breastfeed. My milk never came in. Formula was my choice to feed my newborn baby. What would I have done if breastfeeding were required by law as Supermodel Gisele recommended?
We have an opportunity to embrace our own differences and attributes. Too often we choose to pass harsh judgment on each other. LA private schools can be a perfect breeding ground for this type of behavior. As private school moms, I truly believe we should celebrate our differences and those of our children. Let’s embrace each other as moms!
Jenna and her husband are the parents of an 8-year old son who attends The Buckley School in Sherman Oaks. She is current working on a Blog and a book tentatively called, “The Power Of Going Goddess”.




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