Guest Blogger Jenny: The Private School End of the Year Marathon and My New (smaller) House

Jenny Heitz

Our fabulous contributor/guest blogger Jenny Heitz has been super-busy. She got married! She also moved to a new house in the hills of Los Feliz, from a bigger house in Hancock Park. Yes, that’s correct, Jenny downsized in L.A. (gasp!). Check out her new blog series about the new house and what she’s doing to fix it up on her style blog, Find A Toad. We know once it’s complete, Jenny’s unique, modern sense of style will transform her new space into a very cool family house! Unfortunately, she realized they moved without a coffee maker, but she found an awesome espresso maker that would make a great house-warming gift.

 

Meanwhile, end of the year at Mirman is upon her. Read on:

 

Once your kid has been in private school for at least a year, you recognize it: the end of the year slog toward the summer break finish line.

 

It’s as if all the private school powers that be got together and decided: enough learning, we must have ceremony, and lots of it! Thus, at Mirman, we had the Pops Concert, followed by the Spring Fair, followed by Colonial Day (presentations given by Room 5 students in full colonial regalia), followed by a music recital (skipped this; my daughter isn’t playing an instrument), followed by Open House (Mulholland and the 405 at rush hour: such fun). Soon, there’s a violin concert, the Upper School play, and then the massive number of matriculation and awards ceremonies. Finally, there’s Field Day, the final day of school that’s all about play.

 

Just reading the last paragraph, much less writing it, makes me long for a solid nap.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Mirman and what it’s done for my daughter, but driving up there from Los Feliz makes me break out in hives. And having to haul up there repeatedly over a two month span of time during critical traffic hours has brought new levels of road rage to the surface. What happened to spreading these things out, to moderation? Why was Open House the same night as Obama’s visit to George Clooney’s estate?  Why bother asking why? My daughter’s lucky to go there.

 

I’ve written in the past about how wonderful it is to have a bus route from the east side, so that we no longer have to carpool 4X a week. But, the bus has spoiled us rotten. Now that we don’t have to schlep up to the campus constantly, the occasional sojourn is that much more painful. While I realize that road construction is a temporary state of affairs, it has made the commute, even done occasionally, a total unpredictable nightmare.

 

I also wonder a bit about families with two intensely working parents: how do they cope? I work from home and have a flexible schedule; I still have a bad attitude about the drive and the constant events. How do doctors, lawyers, bankers, and anyone else with a “normal” job manage it? Are you tag teaming the events, or perhaps letting relatives fill in? Really, I want to know.

 

In the meantime, we will schlep. And slog. And clap for our matriculating kids. And, finally, welcome summer and some sort of sleeping in.

 

Jenny Heitz has worked as a staff writer for Coast Weekly in Carmel, freelanced in the South Bay, and then switched to advertising copywriting. Jenny is a graduate of Crossroads. Her daughter started 4th grade at Mirman School last year. She previously attended 3rd St. Elementary School. Jenny has been published recently in the Daily News and on Mamapedia, The Well Mom, Sane Moms, Hybrid Mom, The Culture Mom and A Child Grows In Brooklyn. She now writes about gift ideas and products on her blog, Find A Toad.

Guest Blogger Jenny: Don’t Be A Pretender When Applying to L.A. Private Schools

Does She Look Rich?

So you just read the above headline and thought, Well, doesn’t this seem obvious? Yes, you’re right, it does, but apparently there’s a portion of the population who are poseurs when it comes to applying to private schools.

 

The New York Post recently had an article about just how stressful it is to gain Junior’s admittance to a suitable private education institution. The article was called, “Parents Crack Over Admissions.” Parents were stressed out enough to require therapy after interviews (just proof that, if paid, someone will listen to just about anything).

 

But it gets worse. There is the alleged account of a single mother posing as a lesbian in order to get a leg up on the acceptance process. I could discuss the irony of all this until blue in the face, but instead I’m going to remind all of you engaged in this hellish application process of a few simple facts regarding The Great Pretender applicants.

 

  • If you pretend to be something that you’re not, the Admissions Director (AD) will know. Seriously, those ADs didn’t just fall off the turnip truck. It’s not their first rodeo. And you can’t pull the wool over their eyes. They know when you’re faking it. If you want to buy a fancy new Hermes handbag, go ahead, but don’t pretend to be fancy new people.
  • If you pretend to be something you’re not, your kid will know. Kids are not stupid. They recognize a faker immediately, which is why they don’t like to kiss certain relatives and have no use for particular babysitters. If you ask them to misrepresent themselves, or they see you act like completely different people, your child’s b.s. detector will go off, big time. And there might be trust and behavioral consequences.
  • If you pretend to be something you’re not, you’ll know. And, unfortunately, you’ll have to continue pretending long after your child’s acceptance into the school. It will get wearing. And that new handbag will pull your shoulder out of alignment.

Of course, there are moments during an interview when less than authentic behavior occurs. Sometimes it’s not even your fault. When my ex-husband and I were interviewed at a very exclusive, popular school (John Thomas Dye) a couple years ago, the AD seemed rather fixated on the fact that we were divorced, and that I had a boyfriend (now fiancé). Her probing made us a bit nervous, as if we were under a microscope (we are perfectly amicable, but she seemed to demand something more). And when she suggested at the end of the interview that we all walk off together, get in his car, and drive to mine, we did it. It looked forced, because it was.  I drove away feeling vaguely shamed. Our daughter didn’t get in. Was it a factor? I don’t know, but I’m glad she’s at Mirman (who didn’t give a fig about our divorce, but did focus on our child).

 

So hang tough. You don’t need to go shopping for a new bag or a new sexual orientation to gain acceptance to the school of your choice. Be authentically yourselves.  And hey, if you need that therapy, go for it. They’ve heard worse.

 

To read the article, click on NY Post

 

Jenny Heitz has worked as a staff writer for Coast Weekly in Carmel, freelanced in the South Bay, and then switched to advertising copywriting. Jenny is a graduate of Crossroads. Her daughter started 4th grade at Mirman School last year. She previously attended 3rd St. Elementary School. Jenny has been published recently in the Daily News and on Mamapedia, The Well Mom, Sane Moms, Hybrid Mom, The Culture Mom and A Child Grows In Brooklyn. She now writes about gift ideas and products on her blog, Find A Toad.

 

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Guest Blogger Jenny: Pre-Acceptance Private School Participation: Does It Work?

So here it is, another application season, and this pesky question keeps popping up: Does attending school events before my child even goes to the school give my application an advantage? The answer: it depends.

 

I feel pretty strongly that the pre-acceptance participation factor only works with certain schools. For instance, when we applied to Mirman for our daughter, her father (my ex) decided that attending the Mirman Holiday Program would be a good idea. Mind you, we hadn’t yet really applied, Anna hadn’t had an interview or a tour, but he figured it couldn’t hurt. So, he drove up to the church across the street from the school and watched a bunch of strange kids sing holiday songs. It probably beat going to work that morning. But did his participation help her chances of getting into the school? No. Anna was wait-listed, and we didn’t hear that there was an opening until late June.

 

But that’s Mirman, and Mirman isn’t every school. I’ve heard different things about other schools. One family I know had their child in one private school, but really had their hearts set on another. So, they attended events at the school she didn’t go to, showed up for meetings, and, for all I know, paid for a new science wing (just kidding). Well, guess what: it worked! She got in for 3rd grade. Of course, we’ll never know definitively if all this participation and dedication garnered an advantage, but there is a correlation.

 

So, if you know, for certain, that there’s a particular private elementary school that’s just perfect for your child, by all means show an interest before application season. You could attend an event like a fair or a fundraiser. You could, of course, give money or silent auction donations, although some schools prohibit this type of giving during the year you’re applying to avoid any perception of conflicts of interest.  If you have a valued skill set, like public relations or publicity, offer to help the school plan or publicize an event. Most schools like to see helpful and interested parents, and such efforts will be duly noted. In schools with a very clannish scene, showing that you “fit in” is a definite advantage, because some schools are more about the families than the individual children (although that’s definitely NOT the case with Mirman).

 

All this being said, you could still get the dreaded flat rejection letter anyway, leading to all kinds of curses. There are no guarantees.

 

Or, you could pay for that Science Wing.

 

Jenny Heitz has worked as a staff writer for Coast Weekly in Carmel, freelanced in the South Bay, and then switched to advertising copywriting. Her daughter started 4th grade at Mirman School last year. She previously attended 3rd St. Elementary School. Jenny has been published recently in the Daily News and on Mamapedia, The Well Mom, Sane Moms, Hybrid Mom, The Culture Mom and A Child Grows In Brooklyn. She now writes about gift ideas and products on her blog, Find A Toad.

Guest Blogger Jenny: Sleep Away Camp: A Transformative Experience

My child is no stranger to sleep away camp. By the tender age of seven, she was asking to go away (I said no; she couldn’t even brush her own hair then, so there was no way she was going away for two or more weeks). When she was eight, I gave in and sent her to the camp my sister, step-sister, and myself attended.

 

She did not love it. She said the kids were mean and the counselors unfeeling. Still, she gave it another try, returning at age nine for yet another session. She reached the same conclusions. After that, she was hesitant to go again.

 

But I knew that camp was good for her. Rather than spend the entire summer in smoggy L.A., going to day camps she didn’t much like, she could be in a beautiful, rural environment learning new skills. Besides, I didn’t want her to give up. It wasn’t camp that was the problem, it was finding the right camp. Her father sent away for info on camps in, of all places, Maine. And she found one she liked.

 

Three and a half weeks away on a lake in Maine. Formidable stuff for a kid who claimed to not like sleep away camp. I have to say, it looked amazing. All girls. There was an endless schedule of activities like riding, sailing, gymnastics, and tons of art stuff. There were plays and beach days and clambakes. After viewing the DVD, I wanted to go there, too.

 

Anna flew out of LAX with a positive attitude, and it served her well. I tracked the camp’s activities every day through its website, checking the photos for signs of her. She was happy and smiling in most of the shots. When I spoke to her for one of our two phone calls, on her birthday, she practically blew me off in an attempt to get back to her party (I was not upset by this; it’s a good sign when your kid is at camp and isn’t interested in speaking to you because there’s too much fun stuff going on. This is what you pay for). Her letters were laughably short and upbeat.

 

The time kind of dragged on for me. Almost a month without your child is a bit rough. I started to feel like part of me had been amputated. But hey, that’s my problem. My job as a parent is to let my child have new experiences, and learn to function without me.

 

Upon her homecoming, I fully expected her to be totally obnoxious. After all, she’d just spent almost a month with pubescent girls, getting as teenaged silly as possible. Surely, she’d be mouthy, sulky and difficult.

 

Nope. Just the opposite. She came back more mature. Not to mention helpful. Sleep away camp, you see, really is a character builder. It used to be that we went away to escape our parents and enjoy some freedom from the tyranny of chores and nagging. But kids don’t really have that relationship with their families anymore. Many of our kids go to private schools that offer tons of activities and endless amusement. Parents tend to want to be their kids’ friend rather than authority figure. And chores? Not so much.

 

So camp has become the place where kids are given housework to do, group responsibilities to fulfill, and self-reliance is paramount. Sure, they’re watched over, but they’re also expected to tow absolute lines. Anna came back with a new attitude of cooperation. She cooked her own oatmeal and offered to walk the dog (and took pride in the fact that he behaved so well for her). Camp gave her a sense of being a part of a larger unit, and she seems to have transferred that to our own tiny family unit. And my worries of Miley Cyrus mouth? Totally unfounded. If anything, Anna acts even more like the world’s smallest 30 year old.

 

Jenny Heitz has worked as a staff writer for Coast Weekly in Carmel, freelanced in the South Bay, and then switched to advertising copywriting. Her daughter started 4th grade at Mirman School this year. She previously attended 3rd St. Elementary School. Jenny has been published recently in the Daily News and on Mamapedia, The Well Mom, Sane Moms, Hybrid Mom, The Culture Mom and A Child Grows In Brooklyn. She now writes about gift ideas and products on her blog, Find A Toad

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Every School Tells A Story

Before too long you’ll be touring private schools and filling out applications and caught up in the admissions whirlwind. If you’ve tried to keep thoughts about all things private school off your mind because its summer, but your mind keeps wandering back to the topic, here are a few things to think about before you tour schools. If you pay close attention and talk to other parents, you’ll learn things about a school that probably won’t be discussed on a tour. They aren’t good or bad, but they’re some of the most subjective things about each school that may (or may not) appeal to you.

 
Of course, schools want to impress prospective parents with highlights of excellent programs, outstanding teachers and brand new facilities. But, when you’re looking at schools, think about how a school reveals itself in a more subtle or informal way. Pay attention to what the school says in the official publications of course, but also look for the less obvious things about a school you might otherwise overlook.  And, give some thought to what the school doesn’t mention on the tour.
 
Every school tells its own story. If you look closely as you tour a school, certain things will stand out for one reason or another. There will be things about the school that give you information about its culture, its educational philosophy and other factors the school administrators may or (may not) discuss.
 
Consider the following:
 
·     Location. We’ve written about location on this blog before because it matters and the location of your kid’s elementary school might impact your quality of life if there’s a geographic problem. Geography can become a challenge for playdates, drive-time (is it really 3 hours a day?), friendships, ethnic diversity, mandatory carpools and volunteering. If you’re thinking about a school’s location in terms of its accessibility to your house, that’s a good idea. But, you may also want to think about whether a school’s location will prevent it from having a diverse student population. Is it too remote for families who live outside the immediate neighborhood to attend? Does it offer a bus? Would it be possible for families with one car to get their kids there and back? Where do most of the families at the school live? A general answer about “we have families from everywhere” should make you look more closely at where the families really live, especially if you think you may live outside the area the school draws from.
 
·     Feeder preschools. Most elementary schools will tell you they accept students from a wide range of preschools. But, a quick check will tell you there are “feeder” schools to many of the top private elementary schools in L.A. If you have a sense of the community at the “feeder” preschool, that will give you insight into the culture of the elementary school which accepts the preschool’s students. If the “feeder” preschool to an elementary school that interests you is known to be insular and pretentious, it’s safe to assume those elements won’t magically disappear once the parents arrive at elementary school. Even the location of the “feeder” preschool(s) can give you insight into where the elementary school families live.
 
·     Cars in carpool. Does this sound funny? Silly? Maybe, but the cars in a school’s carpool lane can give away a lot about the school! If you get a chance, look at the cars in a school’s carpool. Are they super-fancy? Are they a mix of car types? Are nannies picking up kids in Range Rovers? Do kids have drivers? Or do you see a lot of common SUVs, Toyotas and Volvos? Are there Limos? Minivans?
 
·     Plaques on the wall. Ah, yes, the “must-see” plaques. Some schools adorn their walls with plaques naming big fundraising donors or even buildings. Would this bother you if you had to see it daily? Would a school that named every empty space after a family at the school annoy you? It might suggest a strong emphasis on fundraising and a “who’s-who” at the school.
 
·     School events. The type of events a school hosts gives you loads of information about the school’s culture and parent-body. If a school hosts an elaborate, over-the-top annual auction at a country club and you despise the notion of membership only clubs, maybe this isn’t the school for you. Does the school host an annual camping trip and you hate to camp? Maybe the school is too crunchy for your family. Once you’re at the school, it’s hard to avoid these events, even if they don’t appeal to you. Once you’re a parent at the school, complaints about an event being too fancy or too crunch will go unheard or just make you unpopular. Or, you may be handed the entire file and told, “If you think you can do a better job, you do it!” And, you’ll be expected to attend the event, fancy or not, crunchy or not.
 
·       Current parents. Talk to other parents at the school. Don’t be shy, talk, talk, talk, ask as many questions as you can. This is a frequently mentioned tactic for gathering information about a school. That’s because it’s effective. When you talk to parents at the school, don’t be afraid to ask about the other parents, kids’ activities, school events and anything else you can think of. A simple, “what are the other parents like?” is a great question, without bias. The question, “I hear that parents at the school are snobbish,” will just make the person you’re talking to defensive. Another good question is, “Are most of the moms stay-at-home or do they work outside the home?”. Any answers you get will ultimately provide you with valuable insight as to whether your child and your family will fit with that school.
 
These are just a few of the ways a school tells a story. There are definitely other clues that reveal more about a school than what is talked about on a tour. More to come on this topic!