Category: Beyond The Brochure

Finding YOUR Community At Private School: It’s Not That Easy!

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If all goes well, hopefully many of you will have a child starting private school this fall. It’s an exciting time but also a big adjustment for kids and parents alike After all, this is LA, where meeting other moms can be a Sisyphean task under the best of circumstances. Private school is no different (at least it wasn’t for me and a lot of my friends). The first day of school may be eye-opening for a bunch of reasons. You might observe:

  • Unnaturally thin moms
  • Mannies or bodyguards/drivers for kids
  • Lumpy cheekbone implants and terrible nose jobs (spectacular duck lips too!)
  • Talk of fabulous art collections, construction of multi-million dollar homes, summer vacations to exotic locations
  • Your favorite designer clothes being worn by somebody else (gasp!!!)
  • Hermes Birkin handbags
  • One or two really nice moms who invite you to join them for coffee while you wait for your kids.

 

But, this was just my experience. Yours may be totally different.

 

I’ve learned that the issue of “community” at your child’s school is one that means different things to different people.

 

Some moms will say, “I don’t want to hang out with parents at my kid’s school, I have my own friends.”

 

Others will expound on the virtues of having a close group of friends at their kid’s school, saying “we love our school because we feel such a sense of community with the other families.”

 

But what is “community” at a private school? For me, it’s moms who get together for coffee or lunch. It’s dads who get together for “guys night out.” It’s about being able to call a mom in your kid’s class to ask advice or just vent without being judged. It’s families who have dinner together. It’s about a mom calling to say, “I saw your daughter on the yard today and she looked so happy.” It’s more than a quick “hi” at morning drop-off. It’s knowing each others names.

 

I was talking with a Willows mom recently and she brought up what she perceives as the school’s lack of community. Her kids are not in the same grade as mine. She was lamenting the lack of community, but she told me it does allow her family to maintain their privacy. “Nobody is in your business, because nobody is interested,”she said. “True.” I responded. What she’s talking about isn’t a clique. It’s the opposite of a clique.

 

It’s not that I want the epitome of a sorority. But, community at my kids’ school is very important to me. I want my kids to feel like they belong to a community of families. It hasn’t happened overnight, but I’ve made a few very good mom friends at school. My kids have made some close friends too.  But, it hasn’t been easy. Our first year at The Willows was difficult for a number of reasons. My daughter was bullied by a girl in her class, which made her transition more difficult than it would have normally been. It was (and still is) a geographically fragmented 4th grade. This has been one the biggest obstacles to building a sense of community with other families. The other obstacle, quite honestly, is that my daughter’s grade has a lot of parents who fall into the category of “I don’t want to hang out with parents at my kid’s school.” Some of them still don’t know each other’s names after having kids in the same grade since kindergarten. Friendships, in my opinion, tend to be very superficial among the majority of moms. Many have older siblings and are busy with their activities.

 

The lack of community in my daughter’s grade has been the single biggest challenge with our school. I had hoped for a closer knit group of families. Now that my kids are in 2nd and 4th grade, it’s less important than it was the first few years. By this age, my kids are picking their own friends. By secondary school, I imagine I’ll be looking for other qualities in a school like academic offerings and athletic programs.

 

I’m baffled by the mom who has been saying to me for the past 5 years, “let’s get the kids together for a playdate.” We had one playdate set up several years ago. She cancelled five minutes before I left the house to drive my daughter to her side of town. She asked again recently. I contacted her, but they weren’t available. I give up!

 

I’m in a parenting group run by parent educator Betsy Brown Braun. When I brought up this issue in the group, she gave me very reassuring advice: “Christina, it doesn’t matter whether your daughter’s friends are from school or not, it just matters that she has friends.”

 

A mom who is new to the school this year confided in a friend of mine that she and her child were having trouble meeting families (and kids) at the school. I immediately called her and we had lunch with our kids. To me, that’s what a community is about.

 

This might be a good topic to think about when you pick a school. If I had it to do over again, I’d make sure to ask the question of the admissions directors, parents and anyone else who might know: “Does your school have a strong sense of community?” What kind of events does the school have to give parents a chance to get together? Does the school emphasize community? If so, in what ways? Do parents here develop meaningful friendships?

 

Ultimately, if you want a school where there is more than the mere illusion of community, you’ll have to find a school where that exists. Or, create it yourself once your child is there.

 

To its credit, The Willows has begun to make an effort to help moms get to know each other. “Willows Wednesdays” is a new event for parents to meet for coffee each week. After all, our school has the word “community” in it’s name.  The Willows Community School.

 

Here’s a great article called “The Other Mothers” on the Power of Moms blog. The perfect piece as you begin to meet other moms in the private school world. Then if you want a really good laugh, like LOL… read the insanely popular Bloggess as she talks about mommy business cards at the park. 

 

Guest Blogger Jenny: Waiting For Admissions Letters Gives New Meaning To The Word "Stress"

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The clock is currently ticking down to the moment when the envelopes are sent out, separating out those who get into the private school of their choice, and those who are losers forever and must get “Private School Reject” tattooed on their foreheads, and immediately change long term plans for their progeny from President to Professional Pooper Scooper. Sorry, but the future comes down to whatever is delivered by your postman (or email) in late March and it won’t matter how much you tipped him over the holidays.


Yes, this is a gross exaggeration. But, you can’t deny that the air is filled with a certain tension as acceptance or rejection letter day approaches. You’ve been through the endless tours, the hours of research, the shuttling of your child to interviews and testing. You’ve begged for letters of recommendation from influential people you barely know, kissed butt at a bunch of parties, and generally genuflected before the great god of private school education, all in hopes of getting your pride and joy into one of L.A.’s hallowed halls. It’s exhausting and needlessly stressful. You need some perspective and some downtime.

First off, if your child doesn’t get into one of the most popular private schools, it’s not an express ticket to Loserville. I did the calculations once, and it turns out that it may be easier to get your kid into Harvard College than into the Center for Early Education. Sounds absurd, I know, but it’s true.  On a simple supply and demand basis (leaving out the fact that your child would need near-perfect SAT scores and be a professional level musician to approach the Ivy League), The Center has fewer spaces available than Harvard for the number of applicants. This is not depressing news; it’s meant to soften the blow, because if your child doesn’t get into The Center, it’s not a death knell for his future. Obviously, no one gets into The Center!

There are many, many private elementary schools in this city. And hopefully, if you’ve been reading this blog and the Beyond The Brochure book, you’ve applied to a variety of them just to strengthen the odds of acceptance. Thus, when the letters start flying through the mail slot, Harry Potter style, there will hopefully be less of them blowing raspberries in your face.

Here’s how it works. A complete acceptance letter demands an answer, pronto. If you receive one of these, and it’s the school of your choice, call immediately and accept. Then, write a fat check. That’s it. You’re done. A complete rejection letter, however, requires no response on your part, although the ritual burning of it out on the deck is your call. But, how about a “wait list” letter? Well, I can speak from experience that a wait list letter often leads to an acceptance later down the line. If you really want to turn a wait list letter into an acceptance, call immediately and tell them you’re interested. Perhaps call them a month later to again express your interest. And then wait. That’s how my daughter got into Mirman, so I know it works.

In the meantime, though, you need to get yourself together. Stop talking about it with your friends. Your real friends don’t want to hear about it, and your fake competitive friends want to make you feel insecure about it. If you’re biting your fingernails, go get one of those indestructible gel manicures; they taste really bad. Try to be out of the house when the mailman shows up, either because you’re at work and never there anyway or by conveniently needing to do many errands. Don’t mention any of this to your kid unless you like staying up until 3 a.m. dealing with their anxiety over possibly changing schools. Eat ice cream. Have a coffee. Have something stronger.

Most of all, maintain some perspective. At this point, we’ve all heard many private school success and failure stories, but none of them ever ended with the student’s prospects for the future being utterly dashed. There are too many private school routes to take to think that there’s just one school that would work, or just one type of education that’s acceptable. The ability to see the big picture here is really important.

And good luck to you all!
Jenny Heitz has worked as a staff writer for Coast Weekly in Carmel, freelanced in the South Bay, and then switched to advertising copywriting. Her daughter started 4th grade at Mirman School this year. She previously attended 3rd St. Elementary School. Jenny has been published recently in the Daily News. She now writes about gift ideas and products on her blog, Find A Toad.

Dreaming Of School Names? No, You’re Not Losing Your Mind!

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Do you find yourself dreaming in school names?

Brentwood, The Center, Curtis, Willows, John ThomasDyeNewRoadsTheWillowsCrossroadsCarlthorpMirmanStJamesLaurelHallVillageCampbellHallPS#1Curtis. OMG! Stop! They all start merging together in your mind. That’s because you know the names well. They’re embedded in your sub-conscious. No, you’re not going crazy. You’re just like the rest of us who went through the admissions process.

I wish somebody had told me to find something else to think about, dream about, talk about while we waited until we got our admissions letters. But, nobody did. Well, my husband did, but I ignored his advice. Staying sanely balanced for a few months wasn’t easy! But, I lost myself in fashion magazines, celebrity gossip and of course, blogs. 


I saw this brilliant poster on The English Muse and thought I’d share it. It’s by madmanincognito on etsy. Perhaps it best summarizes how you’re feeling? 

Here’s a previous blog piece, “Anticipation Grows”

Guest Blogger Jenny: Selected Writings From Other Mom Blogs…She Has A Lot To Say!

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Jenny In Aerial Fitness Class
My friend and guest blogger extraordinaire, Jenny Heitz, also writes for some of our favorite mom blogs. Here’s a compilation of her recents posts you may have missed. You’ll recognize her great writing and, of course, her sense of humor. Topics range from her daughter’s walks around the block to vanity over 40, divorce, hanging upside down in her aerial fitness class, and her hilarious opinion of mommy chat rooms. But, she does have a serious side. Read the very informative piece about scary cuts to Planned Parenthood in the Daily News.
When Do You Let Kids Run Errands By Themselves? On A Child Grows In Brooklyn
The Ups And Downs Of Facebook For One Mom on Divine Caroline
Flying Through The Air: Aerial Fitness On Mamapedia
Food Network Kids On The Culture Mom
Vanity Over 40 On Sane Moms
Style Over 40 On Blog Her
Making A Blended Family Divorce Situation Work On Hybrid Mom
Online Mommy Communities: Popular, But Post At Your Own Risk On The Twin Coach
In Targeting Planned Parenthood, Other Services Will Be Lost In The Daily News

Online Mommy Groups: Paradise For The Parsimonious on Technorati
http://technorati.com/women/article/mommy-online-referral-groups-paradise-for/

And, don’t forget to visit Jenny’s own modern gift giving blog, Find A Toad. It’s fabulous!

They’re Not In Preschool Anymore: Elementary School Different In Many Ways

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Now that I’ve been a mom at a private elementary school for five years, I’ve noticed that the culture of elementary school is vastly different than the preschools here. I expected some similarities, but really there are very few. Obviously, each school is different. But, as I write this, I’m drawing on my own experience and that of my friends at many of the top schools. 
 
Most preschools attract neighborhood families. At my daughter’s preschool, Montessori Shir-Hashirim in Hollywood, families lived in the Hollywood Hills and Hancock Park. It was easy to get to and from each other’s houses and I still have two close friends I met there. 
 
Private elementary schools in LA attract families from far-flung geographic neighborhoods. My kids’ school, The Willows Community School, has families from Inglewood to the Palisades and everywhere in between. Getting together is logistically more difficult than it was in preschool. The school days are longer and scheduling playdates is harder. 
 
But, that’s not the only difference between preschools and private elementary schools. The cultures of the schools differ dramatically. In preschool, you may have been asked to contribute to school events, either as a volunteer or financially. But, the events were most likely small and the requirements fairly reasonable, both in terms of your time and money. 
 
Elementary school is a different story entirely! Volunteerism is expected. You can’t just disappear because you work full time. There are too many parents who work and volunteer.
 
Annual giving is required (an unspoken rule.) This is different than it was at both my kids’ preschools, neither of which required any financial contributions. (My son attended It’s A Children’s World). 
 
Elementary schools expect 100 percent parent participation in their annual giving campaigns. Opting out is not an option. Yes, there is always that one family who refuses to give “on principle” that they don’t believe in giving beyond the tuition. Guess what? This doesn’t go over well with school administrators, who will try to get the family to give $1 so they can be counted in the annual giving campaign participation. You really don’t want to be that family, trust me. We’ve all heard the term sh** list and that family would be on it. 
 
But, the biggest difference between preschool parents and private elementary school parents is ambition. I don’t mean personal career ambition (although career networking and social climbing happens.) I’m talking about ambition to chair committees, join the board, secure highly visible volunteer positions. Why?  Here’s why:
 
“We don’t really care if a parent baked cookies for the fair, but if a parent has been on a board, that’s a big deal.” 
– Elizabeth Gregory, Director of Admissions at Harvard-Westlake
 

That quote pretty much sums it up. I LOVE that quote!

 

The determination to do everything possible to ensure your child is accepted into a top secondary school runs deep in the culture of many of LA’s private elementary schools. It has impacted my volunteer decisions and our family’s financial giving, without a doubt. How could it not?

 

A friend of mine recently described a meeting she attended at her kid’s school as “WWF meets Desperate Housewives” because of the infighting and elbowing for position among the moms in the room. I’ve been in those rooms and I’ve let my sharp elbows fly too (yes, I always regretted it later.).One friend of mine had to deal with a mom who came in at the last minute and re-did everyone else’s work right before a big event. My friend was livid, but wisely decided to stay out of it. However, the next year when she was in charge of the event, she made sure that mom wasn’t anywhere near it. 

 

I think knowing a bit about this stuff before your child starts school can help you navigate these sometimes choppy waters. If things on the surface seem a bit odd or there seems to be something missing from the story you’re being given about volunteering, ask yourself if ambition is behind what’s going on. For example, if you sign up for a committee and you never hear back, maybe it has something to do with school politics.  Chances are, it might. Last year I offered to get several items donated for the school auction. Since I had previously co-chaired this event, I thought these donations–that had previously brought in several thousand dollars–would be welcome. Nope! Seemed nobody was interested. Hmmm. 

 

Until recently, I had no idea parents lobbied hard for volunteer positions at private schools. I thought you had to be asked to serve.  

 

It’s a good thing I have the personality for this kind of networking!

 

If you’re wondering whether this is a cautionary tale, it is. Take it from me, don’t let petty school politics or infighting ruin your day (or month). I’ve made that mistake. Now, I select volunteer activities that ensure the elbows fly far away from me.  



Are there private elementary schools in LA that don’t have cultures which foster ambition, competition and in-fighting? Of course! I just don’t know of any. 

 
Our goal with this blog is to fling open the curtains on admissions and life at private elementary schools in Los Angeles. Let us know what you think! We welcome your comments, thoughts and opinions.