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Every School Tells A Story

July 20, 2011May 13, 2013 admin 9 Comments

Before too long you’ll be touring private schools and filling out applications and caught up in the admissions whirlwind. If you’ve tried to keep thoughts about all things private school off your mind because its summer, but your mind keeps wandering back to the topic, here are a few things to think about before you tour schools. If you pay close attention and talk to other parents, you’ll learn things about a school that probably won’t be discussed on a tour. They aren’t good or bad, but they’re some of the most subjective things about each school that may (or may not) appeal to you.

Of course, schools want to impress prospective parents with highlights of excellent programs, outstanding teachers and brand new facilities. But, when you’re looking at schools, think about how a school reveals itself in a more subtle or informal way. Pay attention to what the school says in the official publications of course, but also look for the less obvious things about a school you might otherwise overlook. And, give some thought to what the school doesn’t mention on the tour.

Every school tells its own story. If you look closely as you tour a school, certain things will stand out for one reason or another. There will be things about the school that give you information about its culture, its educational philosophy and other factors the school administrators may or (may not) discuss.

Consider the following:

· Location. We’ve written about location on this blog before because it matters and the location of your kid’s elementary school might impact your quality of life if there’s a geographic problem. Geography can become a challenge for playdates, drive-time (is it really 3 hours a day?), friendships, ethnic diversity, mandatory carpools and volunteering. If you’re thinking about a school’s location in terms of its accessibility to your house, that’s a good idea. But, you may also want to think about whether a school’s location will prevent it from having a diverse student population. Is it too remote for families who live outside the immediate neighborhood to attend? Does it offer a bus? Would it be possible for families with one car to get their kids there and back? Where do most of the families at the school live? A general answer about “we have families from everywhere” should make you look more closely at where the families really live, especially if you think you may live outside the area the school draws from.

· Feeder preschools. Most elementary schools will tell you they accept students from a wide range of preschools. But, a quick check will tell you there are “feeder” schools to many of the top private elementary schools in L.A. If you have a sense of the community at the “feeder” preschool, that will give you insight into the culture of the elementary school which accepts the preschool’s students. If the “feeder” preschool to an elementary school that interests you is known to be insular and pretentious, it’s safe to assume those elements won’t magically disappear once the parents arrive at elementary school. Even the location of the “feeder” preschool(s) can give you insight into where the elementary school families live.

· Cars in carpool. Does this sound funny? Silly? Maybe, but the cars in a school’s carpool lane can give away a lot about the school! If you get a chance, look at the cars in a school’s carpool. Are they super-fancy? Are they a mix of car types? Are nannies picking up kids in Range Rovers? Do kids have drivers? Or do you see a lot of common SUVs, Toyotas and Volvos? Are there Limos? Minivans?

· Plaques on the wall. Ah, yes, the “must-see” plaques. Some schools adorn their walls with plaques naming big fundraising donors or even buildings. Would this bother you if you had to see it daily? Would a school that named every empty space after a family at the school annoy you? It might suggest a strong emphasis on fundraising and a “who’s-who” at the school.

· School events. The type of events a school hosts gives you loads of information about the school’s culture and parent-body. If a school hosts an elaborate, over-the-top annual auction at a country club and you despise the notion of membership only clubs, maybe this isn’t the school for you. Does the school host an annual camping trip and you hate to camp? Maybe the school is too crunchy for your family. Once you’re at the school, it’s hard to avoid these events, even if they don’t appeal to you. Once you’re a parent at the school, complaints about an event being too fancy or too crunch will go unheard or just make you unpopular. Or, you may be handed the entire file and told, “If you think you can do a better job, you do it!” And, you’ll be expected to attend the event, fancy or not, crunchy or not.

· Current parents. Talk to other parents at the school. Don’t be shy, talk, talk, talk, ask as many questions as you can. This is a frequently mentioned tactic for gathering information about a school. That’s because it’s effective. When you talk to parents at the school, don’t be afraid to ask about the other parents, kids’ activities, school events and anything else you can think of. A simple, “what are the other parents like?” is a great question, without bias. The question, “I hear that parents at the school are snobbish,” will just make the person you’re talking to defensive. Another good question is, “Are most of the moms stay-at-home or do they work outside the home?”. Any answers you get will ultimately provide you with valuable insight as to whether your child and your family will fit with that school.

These are just a few of the ways a school tells a story. There are definitely other clues that reveal more about a school than what is talked about on a tour. More to come on this topic!

Reader Question: Do Busy Dads Have To Find Time To Volunteer At Private Elementary School?

July 17, 2011May 13, 2013 admin 7 Comments

Question: At one of our speaking events, a dad in the audience asked a good question: How can busy dads who work full-time still volunteer at their kids school?

Answer: This is a great question! There are so many volunteer opportunities at private elementary schools (unlike smaller preschools) that most dads who aren’t at-home dads can usually find volunteer tasks to fit their schedule. At The Willows School, dads chaperone field trips, talk to kids about their careers/jobs, help set-up/break down events, fundraise, and help with computer technology projects and serve on committees, among other things. Also, look for volunteer tasks that can be done from home like graphic design, fundraising, and work that doesn’t require taking a day off work.

The 1950s dad is a thing of the past (mostly). These days, dads tend to be involved in all aspects of their kids’ lives, including school. In addition to this being important for their family, it is also VERY important to private schools to have dads involved. In most households, dads are involved in the financial decisions for the family. Especially when it comes to writing checks for tuition, annual giving and other school fundraisers. If dads are disconnected from the school, are rarely at the school and have little or no idea of the wonderful things the school is doing, they will be less inclined to contribute generously to the school. The schools know this and therefore actively recruit dads for volunteer roles.

For the dads out there, during your first year at a school, pick a volunteer job that you will be able to complete. There’s nothing worse than a volunteer (mom or dad) who signs up to do something and cancels at the last minute. This is avoidable if you plan ahead and don’t take on too much.

Hint: During the admissions process, some families try to signal they/their husbands have “important” or high-paying jobs by telling the admissions directors these guys will be able to help the school “behind the scenes” or by “serving on committees”. It’s code for “we’re rich”.

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Guest Blogger Jenny: Are You A "Never Enough" Mom? Than L.A. Private School Might Finish You Off

July 14, 2011January 5, 2015 admin 3 Comments

Homemade vs. Store Bought Cupcakes

In the endless discussion of parenting, female identity, and self-flagellation, the latest incarnation of such is the contrast between the “Never Enough” mom and the “Good Enough” mom. According to Becky Beaupre Gillespie and Hollee Schwartz Temple, authors of the new book, Good Enough Is the New Perfect: Finding Happiness and Success in Modern Motherhood, issues like the cupcake dilemma–and the myriad other choices moms must make in the name of ”balance”—are actually part of a brand new Mommy War, especially for working moms. To read the interview with the authors at The Mother Company, click here.

Apparently, the “Never Enough” mom usually has given up some high-powered job and focused all that energy onto the raising of her children. She constantly strives for perfection in all things, including homemade lunches, home baked cupcakes for her kids’ birthdays, and shuttling them to every class and event on the parenting docket.

The “Good Enough” mom, of course, isn’t exactly the opposite (that would be the “Doing Time” mom), but she definitely has lower standards. She doesn’t always run the bake sales (or, show up to the bake sales). Her kids aren’t booked into activities every waking hour (mostly because she doesn’t feel like driving them everywhere, at all hours). And often, those birthday cupcakes are from Pavilion’s instead of Mama’s Cucina. The implication of all this is, of course, that the “Never Enough” moms are going crazy in their endless pursuit of perfection, and the “Good Enough” moms are always wondering if they’re really “good enough,” or really “kind of stink.” As I always wonder if I “kind of stink,” since I take time for myself and don’t go to every event, I can relate to these women. It’s a no win situation for sure.

And private school doesn’t make it any better. If you’re already prone to being a “Never Enough” kind of parent, private school will bleed you dry. There are just too many opportunities for involvement, from committees to special events to weekly time consuming commitments. Say “yes” to just one or two, and you will be inundated with offers, emails, and phone calls requesting your services. And this can snowball into quite a standoff.

One mom friend of mine has a fairly demanding job; she may work from home, but she might be working 24/7; she never knows. Yet, because she started out her first private school year with typical “Never Enough” mommy gusto, she was completely burnt out halfway through her daughter’s second year. She was forced to start saying no. And the disgruntled sighs and bug-eyed stares of disbelief she received while politely limiting her involvement made her beat herself up even more. Because there’s nothing worse to a group of “Never Enoughs” than a “Never Enough” turning “Good Enough.”

Because I’m so “Good Enough,” I choose my volunteer opportunities carefully. I helped out at used uniform sales, worked a two hour shift at the bake sale during the school fair, managed to get three great silent auction items donated, and chaperoned one field trip. Paltry? Perhaps, but I live over 20 miles away from the school and have lots of other responsibilities. I must admit I did make homemade butterscotch brownies (recipe on Jenny’s blog, Find A Toad) for Anna’s school birthday celebration (at her request), but since they’re my specialty and I can make them in my sleep, I don’t consider that a big deal. However, you’d never catch me up at midnight baking homemade cupcakes; the kids just want sugar, and store bought works just fine.

For Anna’s second year, I plan on ramping up my involvement a bit more. But I know my limits, and I don’t care about being branded as “Good Enough.” To all you overachieving, super human, cupcake baking “Never Enoughs” out there, bless you, and may the deity of your choice help you create private school volunteerism boundaries that work for you.

Jenny Heitz has worked as a staff writer for Coast Weekly in Carmel, freelanced in the South Bay, and then switched to advertising copywriting. Her daughter started 4th grade at Mirman School this year. She previously attended 3rd St. Elementary School. Jenny has been published recently in the Daily News and on Mamapedia, The Well Mom, Sane Moms, Hybrid Mom, The Culture Mom and A Child Grows In Brooklyn. She now writes about gift ideas and products on her blog, Find A Toad.

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Guest Blogger Jenny: Congratulations! Your Child May Be Gifted…In Something

July 8, 2011February 21, 2012 admin 1 Comment

Bill Gates: The Gifted One

Gifted. The word conjures up all sorts of connotations for parents, from having a musical prodigy to spawning the next Bill Gates (like him or not, he’s definitely gifted). As the parent of a designated “highly gifted” child myself (you can read about Anna’s designation journeyhere), I was stunned to discover that, at least for the term “gifted,” there really isn’t any set criteria.

There was a post recently on Yahoo Parents (entitled, handily, “10 Signs Your Child May Be Gifted”) that tried to spell out exactly how to determine your child’s gifted status. The writer, not a psychologist or an expert (but, then, neither am I), had a list of traits that apparently encompass giftedness. These attributes included everything from longer attention spans to musical ability to your kid, essentially, being a chatterbox. It did not, however, give a set definition for what giftedness is, thus setting up a laundry list in which anyone’s child could fit at least a couple of the entries. So, please, read the article and congratulate yourself: your child is gifted… in something.

Whatever that means. Even LAUSD, when it comes to designating giftedness upon students, has three different ways to do it: IQ test (given by the district; good luck getting that scheduled), years of superior standardized testing scores, or teachers simply deciding your kid is smart, based upon a four item list. Confused? You should be. Some school districts (not LAUSD) even categorize athletic ability as giftedness (which it most certainly is, but not related to academics or IQ).

As someone who’s already been through the wringer with this process, I can say in all honesty that, in most cases, that “gifted” designation is a waste of time. The only reason to go through with it, pursuing the testing and all the other nonsense, is if you have some end goal in mind for your child. You think your kid is highly gifted and might benefit from a highly gifted magnet or school? By all means, test the kid. By the time we tested Anna, we already knew that public school didn’t offer the resources to keep her academically occupied. She was pulling top grades, bored and restless, acting out in class, and the teachers often used her as an adjunct teacher for other kids (something that happens to smart kids all the time, unfairly; kids are supposed to be students, not unpaid TAs).

In the end, the only benefits the gifted status bestows upon your child are academic. A high IQ score in the highly gifted range opens the doors to incredible summer programs, wonderful private schools like Mirman (where my daughter goes, and loves), and a few highly regarded public magnet schools. So, if you’re interested in getting your child involved in that, get him or her tested using one of the standard IQ tests, usually either the Stanford Binet or the WISC. It costs you some money, takes about ninety minutes, and the kid usually has fun (my daughter totally enjoyed her testing process, and felt no pressure whatsoever). You have the score in hand immediately, and then you can decide to proceed or ignore it (whatever you do, though, DO NOT tell your child the score. I believe it’s a set up for disaster. Anna will never know that she is smarter than her mother).

On the other hand, you could look at the incredible art your child produces, or her love and mastery of the guitar, or even her stealthy kicking gifts on the soccer field and know, right down to your bones, that no standardized test could ever measure such gifts. A high IQ is a measurement of academic and intellectual potential, a raw quantitative analysis of what might be possible if your child decides to use it. But it’s not a pursuit, or a passion, or an achievement in and of itself.

Happy 4th Of July!

July 4, 2011July 4, 2011 admin Leave a comment

Hi Everyone!

Happy 4th of July!

Guest blogger Jenny is in Hawaii enjoying a much-deserved vacation. She’ll be back later this week with her usual informative and funny posts here on Beyond The Brochure and her gift suggestions on Find A Toad.

I’m hosting a BBQ for a few friends because July 4th is my favorite holiday of the year. It always promises great weather, relaxation and a nice reminder of American patriotism. Enjoy your holiday!

Here’s a July 4th post I wrote in response to an open call for essays about “when you felt most American” on Open Salon, the sister site of Salon.com. This piece, called “Black Churches, “Amazing Grace And Feeling American, was selected for the cover as an Editor’s Pick.

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