Guest Blogger Jenny: Do “Ordinary People” Send Their Kids to L.A. Private Schools?

Would She Need A Designer Handbag To Tour Private Schools?



Recently, we saw a comment on Urban Baby from a concerned mom, preparing to tour schools. She wanted to know if she should purchase an expensive designer handbag, so she’d fit in.


While some might dismiss this query, I think the subtext of this handbag question is totally relevant. Obviously, she isn’t a moneyed mom, but she was worried that all the other families were loaded. She worried that she was too “ordinary” on her own, to fit into the private school social structure.

I think at every L.A. private school, there are going to be some extreme standouts. Years and years ago, my sister attended Westlake School, when it was just for girls. One of her classmates was Tori Spelling, and she was invited to her birthday party one year. Yes, she was invited to that insanely huge place up in Holmby Hills, the one that I believe boasted a bowling alley and a gift wrapping room. Mostly, what she remembers about that party is that there were ashtrays in every room, as Mrs. Spelling smoked (it was this, not the bowling alley, that was shocking to my sister). If my parents had been trying to keep up with private school families like the Spellings, it would have taken more than a Gucci bag to do it.

At Mirman, the school my daughter attends, there seems to be no outward signs of wealth. Sure, eventually you might have a playdate and show up at a mansion somewhere, but it’s always kind of a surprise. The parents all seem modest and unpretentious; I recently attended a parent potluck dinner at which no one really discussed their work (and you know, in that crowd, there must be some very impressive professionals). Mostly, we just talked about our kids. The handbags were deposited at the front door and not seen again.

When I decided to look for more than anecdotal evidence, it got rougher. Income levels are not something private schools are required to share; most simply state that they admit kids from “diverse” income levels, whatever that means. There don’t seem to be any hard and fast figures on the money.

I do know (going back to the unscientific, but infinitely more entertaining land of the anecdotal) that I did wear a gorgeous scarf to my John Thomas Dye prospective parents night. I do not normally accessorize with ease, but figured a little embellishment wouldn’t hurt. Sure enough, the AD complimented me on my scarf. I considered handing it to her. But did it help? No way.  

The other thing to keep in mind?  Appearances, particularly in L.A., are deceiving. That fancy car could be a lease on its last legs, the fancy house underwater, the fancy bag secondhand. And keep in mind that everyone is capable of embellishment. At that potluck dinner, a group of us discovered that all our children had been lobbying for cell phones, saying that “everyone else has one.” Well, it turned out NONE of them had one; I think there might be a single kid in the class in possession of such a thing (and the parents weren’t at the potluck to even confirm this). Yes, our children were lying to attain greater status, much as an adult is when they purchase an expensive handbag, to appear to be someone they’re not. 


Jenny Heitz has worked as a staff writer for Coast Weekly in Carmel, freelanced in the South Bay, and then switched to advertising copywriting. Her daughter started 4th grade at Mirman School this year. She previously attended 3rd St. Elementary School. Jenny has been published recently in the Daily News and on Mamapedia, The Well Mom, Sane Moms, Hybrid Mom, The Culture Mom and A Child Grows In Brooklyn. She now writes about gift ideas and products on her blog, Find A Toad.


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Guest Blogger Jenny: Is There A Mom "Uniform" At LA Private Elementary Schools?

Catwalk or Carpool? (Badgley-Mischka, 2011)
The other day I read an article in the New York Times. Its headline was, “Mom Uniforms for School Run Are Designers,” meaning that Manhattan mommies dress up for private school drop offs and pick ups. It sort of made me laugh at first.

But then I started thinking about it more. Some of the mothers interviewed in the article were working mothers and dressed fashionably and accordingly. Thus, it wasn’t really a “Mom uniform,” it was a “Work uniform” (I hardly think that the New York Times would bother with an article commenting on the “Dad uniform” of an Armani suit and tie, so there’s some sexism at work there). And the other mothers, well, maybe they just wanted to look nice. Or actually wear the lovely stuff they’d purchased. Maybe drop off and pick up times were a good a time as any to pretty up.

Then I started thinking about the moms at Mirman, my daughter’s school. Were they dressing up? Nope. The parent body at Mirman ranges from fairly harried moms of multiple kids to some very understated yet classy dressers. Plus, some parents who arrive in surgical scrubs. Now, that’s a uniform with integrity, and there’s nothing like it to give everyone an inferiority complex about whatever paltry-thing-that doesn’t-involve-saving-human-life that they do for a living. Ok, there’s one super fashion mom at Mirman; she often dresses like the mannequins on Net-A-Porter. She’s very cool and her mommy uniform is solely her own. I have no sense that she’s dressing to impress anyone; she’s just pleasing herself.

But Mirman is strange (in a good way), and the parent body is overrun with academics and brainiacs who maybe aren’t that into the culture at large, so I decided to ask, in a totally unscientific and unbalanced way, how the mom uniform manifests at other private schools.

Hermes Birkin Bag

Take one uber-traditional school for instance. This school is a religious school. It has a fair amount of hefty old money attached to it as well. One could imagine Birkin bags and Chanel flats. I asked my very understated but classy friend, who sends her daughter to this school, what the mom uniform was there.

“Pretty dowdy,” she replied. “A bunch of Frumpelstiltskins. I swear, one of the moms even wears a Bump-It.”

This wasn’t really the answer I was expecting. She later admitted that maybe there were some Chanel flats lurking during those parent meetings. But they were the wrong Chanel flats, worn without irony.
I don’t think that that’s typical for LA private school mom uniforms, though. My friends at two very popular schools (both extremely progressive schools) speak of many thousand dollar handbags, premium fashion brands like Prada, hipster fashion houses like Rag and Bone. I suppose they feel pressure to compete on some level, since life after high school is still just one degree removed from it; you can end up participating in high school level lunacy forever if you aren’t careful.
So why, when we parents aren’t attending these schools, our children are, is the “mom uniform” even an issue? Before you (if you haven’t already) dismissed me as shallow and superficial, I think there’s some significance here. For instance, as I’m not a particularly dolled up mom and I don’t own a super designer handbag, I’m not sure I’d want my kid to attend a school full of families who all value such things and aggressively display them. This isn’t about “looking nice,” it’s about not flaunting your wealth in an outward way. The flash and bling just aren’t part of my family’s culture. So the minimal emphasis on appearance at Mirman suits me just fine, although it might not suit someone else at all.
Bump-It. So Tacky!

 

In the end, I suppose, you pick the “uniform” you feel most comfortable in, for vanity or necessity, whether it’s high fashion or jeans or workout wear or suits.  But, you might want to lose the Bump-It.


See our previous post Fashion Dispatch to find out what moms at top schools are wearing.
Jenny Heitz has worked as a staff writer for Coast Weekly in Carmel, freelanced in the South Bay, and then switched to advertising copywriting. Her daughter started 4th grade at Mirman School this year. She previously attended 3rd St. Elementary School. Jenny has been published recently in the Daily News and on Mamapedia, The Well Mom, Sane Moms, Hybrid Mom, The Culture Mom and A Child Grows In Brooklyn. She now writes about gift ideas and products on her blog, Find A Toad


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Guest Blogger Jenny: Puberty Already? How Mirman School Deals with the Hormones, the Moods, and Yes, the Smells.



I know it’s hard for parents of young children to believe, but soon enough your adorable squishy angels won’t be quite as appealing anymore. My daughter, Anna, is now in Room 5 (5th grade) at Mirman, and change is in the air.

Change is in the air quite literally, apparently. One of the biggest topics of teacher concern on Mirman’s Curriculum Night inside Room 5 was the air quality inside the room, particularly after lunch. “This is the year that, about halfway through, it all changes from smelly kid to gamey kid,” Anna’s teacher announced. “I just wish you guys could be in here for just one afternoon to experience it. The days of bathing two or three times a week are coming to an end.”
Naturally, the Room 5 parents tittered with embarrassed amusement, many of them thinking: Not my kid. Not yet. But yes, puberty is striking the Room 5 population hard, and the teachers are thinking quite creatively to cut down on body odor and athlete’s foot, while not shaming the kids into thinking they’re really gross.
The very first study topic in Room 5 Science tackled this subject with remarkable humor. Understanding that kids are all fascinated by the truly disgusting, the teacher dreamed up Grossology, a topic exploring what the human body innocently produces all by itself unless blocked by a little proper hygiene. For instance, in Anna’s class the kids took swab samples from one another’s underarms and feet, and then grew out the samples in petri dishes.
This experiment turned out to be the great leveler. Sure, some samples grew out more bacteria than others, but everyone pretty much grew something (although Anna did mention that one boy had some pretty tough critters taking up residence in his armpit. I think he felt proud on some level).  All the kids were, of course, fascinated by this experimentation.
This bloom of unwanted life then led to an opportunity to discuss prophylactic measures such as deodorant and washing one’s feet and shoes. Kill the stench was the overall message, and the teacher had simple solutions like soap and water. Somehow, even though I’m sure all the parents had at least broached this subject with our kids, the message meant a lot more once they could see what they were destroying. After all, this was science, not bath time.
There were other gross topics discussed, like boogers and snot (Anna’s explanation of hard vs. soft boogers should have been recorded and used as an advertisement for Kleenex). Flatulence, I won’t even go there. And while all this potty humor might seem sophomoric to some, these are kids, and therefore are, by definition, sophomoric. Grossology was a simply perfect way to clue them all in regarding their changing bodies, while accepting the changes without massive judgment and teasing.
All in all, if this is how Mirman handles the kids’ entrance to pubescence, I’d say they’re off to a pretty good start. By craftily incorporating health information into the hard sciences, the school demystifies the bodily changes the kids’ experience. And hey, if it leads to cleaner hair and remembering the roll on every morning, I consider it a triumph.
Jenny Heitz has worked as a staff writer for Coast Weekly in Carmel, freelanced in the South Bay, and then switched to advertising copywriting. Her daughter started 4th grade at Mirman School this year. She previously attended 3rd St. Elementary School. Jenny has been published recently in the Daily News and on Mamapedia, The Well Mom, Sane Moms, Hybrid Mom, The Culture Mom and A Child Grows In Brooklyn. She now writes about gift ideas and products on her blog, Find A Toad.


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Guest Blogger Jenny: The Redshirting Dilema That Never Ends (Part 2)

The Redshirt Dilema That Won’t Go Away

Let me just say that I never intended to redshirt my daughter (delay her entrance to K by a year). She started preschool at just over two, mostly because she was dying for more stimulation. Her hunger for information and activity was strong and constant. And while she often didn’t go with the social flow, she got along with other kids well enough that I knew she’d be fine socially.


Everything proceeded normally until fourth grade, when Anna transferred from Third St. Elementary to Mirman. It was a big transition, and Anna ended up one of the older kids in the class, although she has a late June birthday. The reason for the age jump is that, if your child starts out at Mirman, she will automatically skip kindergarten, because Mirman begins in Room 1, also known as first grade. This means that if your child is five, she’s automatically been put ahead a year upon entry to Mirman. And, if you redshirted your child, she will be one of the older kids in a grade appropriate class.

All of this was fine with me. Anna was kept at grade level, although what they teach at Mirman is quite different from what she was used to at Third St. It wouldn’t have been fair or appropriate to bump her up a grade, so that she was with the majority of the nine-year olds in Rooms 5. Plus, since redshirting at age five happens in every school, she was hardly the only nine year old in Room 4. So far, so good.

The challenge of this plan, though, is coming soon, upon matriculation to a middle school. Because most Mirman kids are a year younger than grade level, they stay at the school (unless they’re staying through middle school) through 7th grade instead of 6th grade. Then, when they enter their new middle school, they enter in….7th grade.

Yes, you heard right: the majority of middle school matriculating Mirman students (try saying that five times fast) end up repeating 7th grade. Even though they’re ahead academically, most students are behind socially because they were skipped ahead a grade. I guess the thinking is that they need to be on the same social age level as the other students in their grade.

This all makes sense for Mirman students who start out at age five at the school. But what about the redshirted kids, or kids like my daughter who have transferred in from other schools? Now, it seems, Anna will be redshirted for 7th grade, thus entering it a whole year older than her peers. As a child who has always enjoyed being surrounded by older people, I don’t think this arrangement will suit Anna’s personality at all.

So, I have this dilemma. Should I try and get Anna into a new middle school after 6th grade at Mirman, so that she enters 7th grade at her new school at the appropriate age? Seventh grade is the main point of entry for most private middle schools. Waiting until 9th grade means fewer spaces…so few spaces I could probably count them for all the top secondary schools on one hand.  Should I just sign onto the program, trust the system, and have Anna stay at Mirman through 7th grade, and then have to repeat 7th grade (and the 7th grade tuition).

In the end, I might have to have Anna repeat 7th grade in order to get her into the middle/upper school of our choice. And that decision will effect her down the line, when we have a possibly surly adolescent living for yet another year under our roof, since she won’t be entering college until the ripe old age of 19. Although this inadvertent redshirting might be a small price to pay for a truly excellent education, I do keep wondering if it’s really all necessary. And I’ll probably keep looking for a work around, too.

Jenny Heitz has worked as a staff writer for Coast Weekly in Carmel, freelanced in the South Bay, and then switched to advertising copywriting. Her daughter started 4th grade at Mirman School this year. She previously attended 3rd St. Elementary School. Jenny has been published recently in the Daily News and on Mamapedia, The Well Mom, Sane Moms, Hybrid Mom, The Culture Mom and A Child Grows In Brooklyn. She now writes about gift ideas and products on her blog, Find A Toad.


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Guest Blogger Jenny: Rebuttal To NYT "Redshirting" Op-Ed-Part 1

To Redshirt Or Not? The Debate Continues…
On Sunday, The New York Times published an op ed piece entitled, “Delay Kindergarten at Your Child’s Peril.” The subject of this rather alarmist headline was redshirting, the practice of delaying a child’s entrance into kindergarten for a year.
Redshirting has been discussed on this blog in the past, with Christina weighing in on how she redshirted her daughter, whom she felt would benefit socially from the delay (proven correct), but didn’t redshirt her son, who’s consistently one of the youngest kids in his grade, but is doing great.  Redshirting, though, has a much more sweeping reputation, as a practice done to ensure a “leg up” on the competition; the assumption is that delaying kindergarten, especially for boys, gives them an academic and social advantage.

Of course, an advantage is only an advantage when you’re the only beneficiary. When the so-called “advantages” of redshirting hit the mainstream, upper middle class parents took to it with a vengeance. The result was kindergarten classrooms stuffed full of boys the size of 40 year olds. The redshirting “advantage” thus became a level playing field, albeit one with bigger players. Estimates of redshirting vary between 10 and 20 percent of kindergartners, depending on the source. That’s sizable.

Now, of course, the backlash has begun regarding redshirting. The authors of the aforementioned op ed piece are two academics, Sam Wang and Sandra Aamodt, who, it so happens, have recently co-authored a book. The subject: “Welcome to Your Child’s Brain: How the Mind Grows From Conception to College.”  Congratulations to them on their hard work, since publishing is one tough, competitive business. And what better way to gain traction on their book sales than with an inflammatory op ed piece about a now commonplace educational practice?

Call me a cynic, but I suspect that Wang and Aamodt wrote this piece because they couldn’t afford a 1/3 page ad in The New York Times celebrating their book. The headline alone is enough to send any parent who redshirted her child, for whatever reason, into fits of worry and anxiety.

Yet, when I read their piece, and looked at the so-called evidence for this inflammatory headline, it didn’t really hold up.  The one study cited in the piece was a large scale one (that means a large sample, which adds to credibility) held at 26 elementary schools. Sounds good so far. But, the schools were in … Canada. Now, I know next to nothing about the Canadian school system and teaching methods, not to mention all the other social differences between our population and the Canadian one that was studied here.  What I do know is that, without discussing these things, it’s difficult to compare the two school populations. The authors even made the pronouncement that, because the youngest fifth-graders in the study tested five points higher in IQ than fourth graders of the same age, that school makes children smarter. Without knowing the measurement methods for said IQ, or the class and affluence backgrounds of the kids, or the sample size, this is a ridiculous statement.

In the end, there’s plenty of things that can influence your child’s IQ. Apparently, breastfeeding increases it (or lack of breastfeeding lowers it. Whatever). First born children tend to have higher IQs than younger siblings, by a whopping (sense the sarcasm here) three points. But that doesn’t mean that your kid will be an idiot because you didn’t breastfeed (remember: there was a whole generation that was formula fed, and many of them turned out all right), or that you should only have one child because the rest will be “inferior.” That would be ridiculous, right?

Just like it’s ridiculous to make sweeping generalizations about kids and redshirting. While there might not actually be a “success advantage” in redshirting, as was previously thought, it might benefit your child in other ways. You’re the only one who can look at your child and decide what fits them best. Maybe being the oldest in a class would help them socially. Conversely, perhaps being the youngest in the class fits their competitive side.  Just use your instincts and decide. Because, whatever you do, depending upon the frantic advice of “experts” shilling books probably isn’t going to help your child, although it will definitely help the authors’ bottom line.

Coming Soon- Part Two : Jenny discusses how her daughter was redshirted (sort of) upon her move from 3rd St. Elementary to Mirman School. 

Jenny Heitz has worked as a staff writer for Coast Weekly in Carmel, freelanced in the South Bay, and then switched to advertising copywriting. Her daughter started 4th grade at Mirman School this year. She previously attended 3rd St. Elementary School. Jenny has been published recently in the Daily News and on Mamapedia, The Well Mom, Sane Moms, Hybrid Mom, The Culture Mom and A Child Grows In Brooklyn. She now writes about gift ideas and products on her blog, Find A Toad

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